hackingbrian

General update:

All semblences of healthy eating have fallen apart. I'm back on soda and fatty stuff.

My mood has generally been ok though. I think that conciously being aware of the issues helps, and though I don't particularly like the therapist I'm seeing (more of a personality thing, really) it does help to talk about my issues with someone.

Cleanliness is also at a definite low.

I decided I can't stand having no facial hair. It freaks me out. I've had some sort of beard/goatee/mustache/whatever since I was like....15.

I have decided not to bother telling the general public about my upcoming birthday in an effort to avoid the disasters I typically have on my birthdays.

I've taken some backsteps. I haven't eaten meat, and I have definately had more energy and even slept better since I gave it up, but my attempts at eating regularly....and not spacing out my meals so far, and in being more hygenic, have definately been less than stellar successes. My room is a mess again and I haven't been good with my toothbrushing and showering and such.

Trying. Not succeeding but not failing either.

Also, on the plus side, I think the less disgustingly fatty diet has caused my downcycle to not be as drastic.

My breakfast is a bowl of raisen bran and a glass of cranberry raspberry juice, with a side of centrum and psyllium husk pills. I made a lunch of basil fettucine with marinara and a little grated cheese, with some strawberries cut up and a little sugar sprinkled on top. I dunno what I'll do for dinner, but I have decided to go without meat for a while. It just makes me sick anymore.

Went to the therapist. Talked about general things. Generally neutral results but there was one thing that she pointed out that was something for me to think on. When I was younger I had a bad temper. When I realized that, at my size, I would be very likely to inadvertantly hurt someone, and I didn't want to do that. So I learned to control my anger.

But, she said that this might have made me too complacent. My motivation issues may be partly to blame on this...not as to say that anger is, in general, a good thing...but it can be a driving force.

I made an appointment to get my car looked at Tuesday morning.

I spoke with my sister about the possibility of her and I both working together VERY closely over food. Like, we sit down and plan out our meals....I don't know if it will work, but I hope that we will both benefit from the support. She isn't even remotely as big as me, but she is overweight as well. We'll see.

We met with a financial planner from a realty company and apparantly we are about to move into 'find a house right away' mode...which is....very very very stressful for me. But, as it stands, I have probably slightly better credit than her because of a past bankruptcy on her report, so between us we should be able to get a decent home loan.

In the setup for that planning, I got together my bank statements and check stubs for the last 18 months or more....and I am going to slowly update my records to map out my spending over the last couple years.....see where I can cut myself short.

I am nervous, but, I am back on an upcycle and with going to a shrink on monday maybe even having someone I can talk to will help.

I finally got hold of someone at the local office for the shrink, a week later. I have an appointment for monday at 10AM. Would have prefered earlier, but, whatever. It's very close at least.

I am debating shaving my head. I hate the way I look with a shaved head....makes me look...even fatter than I am, which is saying a lot....but I get very hot in the summer.

I'm going to at least shave off the beard. Goatees are overrated if you ask me. They haven't been trendy in many years....and they've become this...sort of....fat man's emblem of power or something. Everyone I guy I know that isn't skinny as a rail either has one now or has had one in the past.

I'm back on the sauce (read: Soda) and I can't help it. The headaches start to come and I freak out, going for the soda because I have a very low pain threshold.

Falling downhill rapidly....

I am eating chocolate pudding. A tub of it. I am spending money like there's no fucking tomorrow. I had a mild panic attack on my way back from the grocery store.

I'm falling apart.

I am now officially on my downcycle because I have a hard time caring about doing work, and I ate many double cheeseburgers from mcdonalds for my 'lunch' on my way to work.

*Two steps forward*
Bought crystal light. Have been drinking non-calorie heavy beverages.

*Two steps backward*
Ate a whole bunch of potato chips and other calorie-heavy foods.

Spent a couple hours cleaning. It's not perfect, but it is MUCH better than it was. The rug under my computer chair was salvagable until I spilled an old container of the juicy soy-sauce laden residue from some fried dumplings all over it, so I threw it out. Found my slippers, which were soggy and mildewy from all the flooding that I've been getting. It was raining for something like 6 days straight.

At 8, I went to Target. I almost bought the new mario brothers for DS but held back...mainly because it was the last thing I would have to get since it's locked in a case, and I was already carrying so much I didn't want to go back. I got a medication daily sorter thing because I want to try to start taking vitamins and psyllium husk again, and if I end up back on meds through a shrink, this will help too. I got anti-fungal stuff for my ass. Because I have ass itches. (I never said this was a pretty journal) I got four 1-litre sized bottles of diet cranberry juice (with splenda because aspertame is disgusting) and a new portable drink thing for tea. I want to start drinking tea again. I also got two new pillows. And the rug that I went there for in the first place. As an impulse, albeit a very very expensive one, I got a nice hepa filter thing. Was like, 130 bucks, but, the thing says you never have to change the filter, just vaccuum it from time to time. The rug was 70 or so. I ended up spending almost 300 dollars.

Went to Autozone, finally got the screws replaced on my hubcab so my car is quiet again, and I got a new doorhandle to replace the broken one. I also found what looks to be a replacement for my blinker/washer/cruise control stick thing that broke like, 4 years ago. The connector looks funny, so I'll have to fiddle with it. I'm worried about breaking it, but, what's the worst that happens? Suddenly I have to take it to the shop like I was planning anyway? Was 35 bucks though so if it doesn't work, I'll take it back.

I stopped at Charter One on my way back to see if they could help me with my credit issues. I know that they don't offer secure credit cards, but I thought I'd see if they do credit cards that are impacted by my good standing there...which they don't. Stupid on my part. The lady said I could do a credit card that is backed by a CD, but that takes $1000 minimum. I may end up doing that if I have to. We'll see how much the tune-up for my car costs. If all goes well, a grand shouldn't hurt too bad.

Stopped and got a bottle of Pepsi One because I'm unfortuantely back on the caffiene and I didn't want to wake up with a headache. The caffeine doesn't make my hyper, wake me up, or keep me awake, but it sure as hell gives me a headache if I don't feed the bitch every so many hours.

Got home, carried in the stuff, unwrapped the rug, started to put it out, and of course it's way way too big. So that's 70 bucks I'll have to try to get back. Called one of the numbers the caseworker gave me and the secretary took my info and said that based on my general description of issues, I will get a call back within 48 hours about an appointment.

So, like, almost 400 dollars down and a few steps forward, I guess. The money hurts, but, I think I did ok. Oh, also, I bought some arizona green tea with ginseng instant mix stuff. I do drink a decent amount of water, but I'm a sucker for flavor.

I got in touch with my caseworker through behavioral health services. She gave me two local numbers. I could have called friday morning or even thursday morning when I got the number, but I went into closed off mode again. I will call tomorrow morning, hopefully.

At the doctor I was told that I should go to the sleep study facilities and get tested for sleep apnea, and that I should see an ear/nose/throat specialist to look into allergies.

I decided that my problem isn't allergies or sleep apnea, it's because I'm tired and I'm tired because I'm fat.

I don't know what to do about this. The second I go into my room, I suddenly because complacent and depressed. It's better when my room is clean, but I can never get up the energy to do that. Maybe I could hire someone to clean it or help me clean. There are.....gross things....in my room though. Nobody wants to see the things in my room.

Forward steps:
My doctor's appointment was cancelled because the doctor called in sick. I rescheduled for tomorrow at 8AM.
I missed the call from the caseworker for the behavioral health place, am sitting up waiting for today's call. They know I work third so she said she would call in the mornings.

Backward steps:
I went to target intending to get the new mario DS game, because I was feeling very crushed at the money saving situation. They didn't have it and I went on a minor spree when I found an endcap of clearanced candy. Hershey limited edition bars and other such things that were no longer on the shelf, half off. I bought a lot.

Middlin' steps:
During my spree I also bought an electric shaver and an electric bodyhair trimmer. The first seems like it would be a forward step, but it was still a spree, so I consider it halfway. The latter was something I read about and wanted to try because while I am not at the robin-williams level of hair, I do have...uhm....well, let's just be honest since this journal is for me to keep track of my own progress. I bought it because I have asshair that causes wiping problems.

Undecided steps:
Since I am doing poorly at saving money lately and my sister may never pay me back the 2 grand I floated her, I am going to take the 1500 I have saved up and take my car to the shop and have them give it the complete job. Replace all the filters, plugs, grease things, wave dead chickens, whatever it is they do. Make sure it's all running well and find out what isn't so that I can get many more miles out of it instead of buying a new car.

Made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow at 8:30 AM.
Weighed myself at the health center: 439
Called behavioral health, setup a case worker who will be calling me sometime over the next couple days to help me find a psychiatrist.

Couldn't bring myself to go to the auto parts store to get a new handle and a couple screws. Could have been the rain, but also was getting antsy.

This journal is an effort to record my steps towards self-improvement.

As the first step, I am going tomorrow morning to the family health center I go to and making an appointment to arrange testing for allergies, because over the years I have developed sinus headaches, possibly due to living in a basement. While there I will use the digital scale there to get a current weight.

In addition I will be calling to find a psychiatrist.

I have thought of making a daily schedule, not unlike is made for small children learning how to do things for themselves. It will include things that normal people do daily that I have a hard time managing to do. Things such as showering, brushing my teeth, doing laundry, things like that. I'll laminate it and put it up on the wall.